apocryphacts

trivia so good you'll wish it were true

Jun 23

Members of the Global Transhumanist Clique, as part of their efforts to free up more space on Earth for their massive android bodies, choose targets for extinction based largely upon irony and whimsy; hence, the eradication of the Indefatigable Galapagos Mouse, Queen of Sheba’s Gazelle, and the Cebu Warty Pig.

Jun 22

Ronnie Van Zandt’s experiments with an operant conditioning chamber, better known as a Skynyrd Box, proved that through deliberate use of reinforcement, there are some birds you can change.

Jun 21

Brian Wilson discovered the intro to “California Girls” embedded, note-by-note, in a mighty oak beneath the word CROATOAN.

Jun 20

At the annual meetings of the seclusive Bilderberg Group, global elites must regularly pass by a window, stage-mouthing “octopus” repeatedly for the benefit of the gathered media. Then, away from the cameras, they resume crying and desperately hugging pillows.

Jun 19

Irkandji Syndrome, caused by the sting of some species of tiny Australian jellyfish, has been described as one of the most painful sensations humans can endure. Experiments by Jack Barnes, the man who discovered the jellies responsible, placed the pain somewhere in the range of 35 kilobreakups.

Jun 18

The Unbearable Lightness of Peeing (Nesnesitelná lehkost močení) tells the tale of Milan Kundera’s childhood in Brno, growing up amid the descendants of Gregor Mendel’s original hybridized pea pods. It remains a perennial best-seller despite its criminally homophonimically mistranslated title.

Jun 17

Koalas without access to eucalyptus leaves will often take to smoking mentholated cigarettes for a numbing, minty fix.

Jun 16

In 2008, as a response to consumer backlash, Rose’s Lyme Juice switched from using high-fructose corn syrup to cane sugar in its distinctive deer tick blend.

Jun 15

“The More You Know”, September 14, 2007, NBC — Fergie, flanked by a will.i.am in a Snoopy suit: “Listen up! Lady lumps are not lovely. Big girls get mammograms.”

“The More You Know”, January 2, 2004, NBC — The cast and crew of Death Bed: The Bed That Eats step out from behind a red velvet curtain: “Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or SIDS, kills over 2000 babies a year. Babies belong in cribs, not the same bed as their parents. Buy a crib.”

Jun 14

Tai Shan (or “Butterstick”) was the first healthy panda to be born in D.C and the third to be arrested for eating on the Metro.

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